Monday, June 12, 2006

What high school did you go to?

I hate feeling like I am in high school all over again. High school was not a particularly pleasant experience for me. Yeah, I had good times and I have some great memories, and it's where I discovered my passion for photography. But for the most part, it really, really sucked.

It's hard when you're not part of the "in" crowd, especially when you're not quite sure who you are yet. And pretty much no one knows who they are yet in high school. There's some days I still don't know who the hell I am.

I overcame a lot in high school, I think, and my experience made me a stronger person today.

But some days, some situations, take me right back there. "Why are they mean to me? Do they not like me? Do they not think I'm good enough?" That's what my heart says. My brain, meanwhile, is desperately trying to kick the crap out of my heart for being such a weenie. "%$#@ them! They are worthless pieces of #$%& who don't deserve to have a conversation with you, much less make you feel bad about yourself. Get a spine and stand up for yourself, you big pansy!"

So, today, I am struggling with how to do exactly that. How does one stand up for oneself and not be a beyotch in the process, or make enemies, or come across as an overly-emotional basket case who reads way too much into things?

Just thinking about doing this, confronting someone (or in this case, someones), makes my mouth go dry and my palms start to sweat. My voice gets all wavery and I get nervous and jittery. It's not a pleasant feeling, and there's that nagging fear that I will irreversibly damage what semblance of a disfunctional relationship there is. To top it all off, these persons I must face have a certain knack of twisting things around to be entirely my fault. Well, one does. The other one is spineless like me and lets the first one do whatever, but backs her up, and then it's two to one and no one likes those odds. Except maybe MacGyver. But since I can't neutralize them with a paperclip, I have to find other methods.

Bottom line, it must be done. Or things will continue as they are, and that's not good either. Sigh. Why can't we all just grow up and quit playing petty high school games?


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