color

182:365

This is a pretty good representation of my life right now: extremely colorful and full of peaks and valleys, undulating sometimes minute-by-minute.

It's pretty awesome.

happy ndyctw day

181:365

Today was National Drive Your Corvette to Work Day. So I did.

The other Corvetter at my work is faculty so he's off for the summer. My sweet ride baked her butt off on the asphalt all by herself.

It's hard to shift when the stick is blindingly hot, and I think I branded the bottoms of my feet when I tried to drive barefoot (my preferred way to drive, especially in that car). Totally worth it though.

tick-tock

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I work for Father Gregory. This is Father Gregory's grandfather's grandfather clock. Fr. Gregory essentially gave it to our organization. He winds it himself every day. Which I think is pretty darn cool.

reuse & recycle

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Two men spent much of the day stripping my old house of anything usable. What they don't want they're taking to Habitat for Humanity. A third showed up later and pulled all the copper.

I am so grateful for this little team of pre-demo workers. With their help, less of this old place will end up in a landfill. And lots of people will benefit. This makes me happy.

Much gratitude and love to Dad, Jimbo, and Rob. You guys rock!

The property looks truly like a construction site now. It hardly resembles our home. This is both positive and disheartening. For all its faults, it was our home for 12 years. It was my sanctuary during the years of infertility. It was where we brought our newborn daughter home. It was where we toiled through grad school, and where we hosted great holiday parties and started the wonderful tradition of The Grand Lighting Celebration. It was home.

I know we will make tons of great memories in our new home, and I'm so excited for it to be built I can hardly stand it. After work tonight I was standing in the family room surveying what's left. I looked out the front window and saw a truck with my contractor's name. Which meant he was there! I ran out and sure enough, there stood Joe talking to his excavator, our architect's plans spread out on the trunk of one of the felled pin oaks. I hugged him. It felt real then. We're actually doing this.

What a fantastic ride!

splintered

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I had a good laugh at work this afternoon.

Way back in the day, when I was a student at The World's Finest School of Journalism, I learned standard copy editing marks. Things like if you underline a letter 3 times it means to capitalize it. A carot shows to insert something. A pound sign (now commonly called a hashtag by those young, tweeting whippersnappers) means space. Either add a space or remove an extra space depending on placement.

Every graphic designer worth her salt knows these marks. My favorite designer in the whole world (hi, Amy!) knows 'em.

Today I reviewed some forms required for our largest fundraiser of the year. I used most, if not all, of my favorite copy editing marks, including that cute little pound sign. When I handed the stack of papers to my employee, whose title is "graphic designer," I assumed she knows them. I told her to let me know if she had any questions regarding my edits. She smiled brightly and got right to work.

Three hours later she returned with the edited forms on her way out the door for the day. I set them aside and continued with the task at hand. When that was done I took a look at her work.

And I found pound signs liberally sprinkled throughout the pages.

Seriously? Does she honestly think that's how I communicate? Just drop some random symbols here and there...that'll shake things up.

Still can't figure out why she didn't question that. I get that she didn't go to The World's Finest School of Journalism, but I thought she had something beyond a certificate of achievement from Bob's Design School and Bait Shop.

Tomorrow we get to have a little discussion about copy editing symbols, and that it's okay for her to question something she doesn't understand instead of just doing it and thinking her supervisor is smoking weed.

hold your horses

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Saw this idyllic scene with horses backlit by a beautiful sunrise on my morning walk. This was before my day was blown to hell. Although by this point I was aware that the crumbling of my day was not only possible, it was highly probable. At 2 am, unable to sleep, I had reviewed the settlement statement our incompetent loan officer emailed me at 6:21 pm on Friday. Wanted to be prepared for today's closing, be ready to get the cashier's check for the title company.

Which is when I found the enormous error made by aforementioned incompetent loan officer. It was huge. I cannot stress this enough. Ask me about it someday, when it's been long enough that I might be able to laugh about it.

This is a great way to stay awake the rest of the night/early morning.

After hours and hours of phone calls (pleading, begging, threatening, crying) and a few other insane developments, plus prayers to Saint Benedict and Saint Joseph (the former because I work for and adore his monks, the second because he was a carpenter and therefore, logically, most likely the patron saint of construction loans)...

we closed on our construction loan.

Whew.

My goal now is twofold: build our new home as soon as humanly possible, and never, ever speak to the loan officer again.

I predict much success on both counts.

Fully exhausted and drained. Ready to sleep soundly this evening. Good good GOOD night.

princess shoes

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Zoe became a princess today at the birthday party for two of her friends. Hair glitter, sparkly nail polish, the works. After dinner she wanted to go for frozen custard and was disappointed we didn't see a freight train.

She is the perfect mix of girly-girl and tomboy. I love her diverse interests and her sparkling personality and passion. She blows me away.

slow

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Today was anything but slow, but it was by and large very very good.

M got over the food poisoning that made his red-eye flights home oh-so-enjoyable about mid-afternoon. Zozer played in her last softball game of the season, and received an adorable bobble-head trophy at the post-game pizza party. We attended a friend's daughter's high school graduation party tonight, where M got an uneasy glimpse into his daughter's sartorial future.

I don't think slow is in our vocabulary any more, except when Zo is getting ready for bed.

perspective

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The sky was absolutely spectacular this morning during my walk. Sometimes there's a brief window where everything is aglow, but this morning the whole hour-plus was beautiful even though it was constantly changing as the sun rose. It was a nice way to start the day.

Tonight I had a rare situation. Zoe spent the night at her friend Anna's house (her very first sleep-over with a friend!) and M isn't home from his business trip yet.

I thought about all the things I could do with my Alone Time. Meet a friend for drinks and dinner. Go to the art museum. Take the Corvette out for a long drive.

Ultimately, I decided to take advantage of the time to get things done a lot more quickly than when I'm dragging a daughter and hubby around.

I ran to:
1. The salon for more shampoo & conditioner
2. Old house to pick up mail
3. Bank for deposit & withdrawal
4. Store to return stuff & buy stuff, including food for the food drive at church tomorrow

Then I came home and unloaded the car, put everything away, and nuked some dinner. Vacuumed the house. Put stuff away that's been sitting around for days.

Then? Then I watched a movie I hadn't seen yet. Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ."

Wow. Just wow.

It really puts suffering in perspective. I have now forgiven my addled loan officer, my lazy employee, and the guy who cut me off on the way to work this morning. Minor transgressions all, relatively speaking.

The movie answered a lot of questions I had (mostly technical) and raised more. Good thing I've got a monk at work who teaches theology. I'm finding it rather convenient to have monks around. Will have to corner Fr. Dominic next week and pepper him with stupid questions.

So today's perspective is this: life is good and there's a whole heck of a lot we all have to be thankful for, including beautiful skies.

church

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Saw this as I walked to my car after work tonight. The campus was quiet, no one around. It was beautiful. And I was reminded again how very lucky I am to have gotten this job. I work hard every day, but I enjoy it and I laugh a lot with my colleagues. I work for a kind, gentle man who is surrounded every day by a whole posse of kind, gentle men. We are led by an abbot who is sweet and funny, and who I'm pretty sure has a direct line to The Big Guy Upstairs.

The thing is, they don't beat you over the head with organized religion. They don't thump bibles or blatantly evangelize. They just calmly and quietly live their lives with humility and grace, and inspire those of us lucky to be around them to do the same.

I have never thought of myself as a "traditional Catholic." I have lots of questions and doubts, and some outright disagreements with official Catholic doctrine. There are certain priests who make me uncomfortable, who make me doubt the veracity of my own faith because I know they wouldn't consider me Catholic enough, or Catholic at all for that matter.

But these monks. These monks are so accepting and understanding. They are inspiring, and they remind me of all the reasons I chose Catholicism in the first place.

I wish my chosen religious organization was represented in the media more by people like them, and by people like my colleagues. Not the squeaky wheels (okay, right wing nutjobs) who scream and beat their chests and cast judgment that, really, only God should. Who represent not the love and acceptance that Jesus proclaimed but indeed the exact opposite. I am so confused when I see so-called Christians acting in ways that are, in fact, very un-Christian.

I can't fix that, but I can continue to be inspired by my monks to live my life in a way that hopefully inspires others. And every day I can look out my office window, or walk along a campus path, and see this gorgeous church that so beautifully represents the goodness, the grace, the soaring inspiration of my faith.

remote

172:365

It's me and the remote tonight. And a couple furballs. Zozer is in bed, M is in California. Long day at work (where I got to experience the full joy that is my new employee first-hand...let's just say some inheritances aren't good) and I'm whupped again. It's definitely a good whupped, but it's tired nonetheless.

So I'll hang out with Mr. Remote until my eyelids get heavy, then I'll hit the sack. So much to do...and so little energy...

halleluja!

171:365

After months of wrestling with the bank, or rather, arguing with The World's Most Inept Loan Officer...we have a close date for our construction loan!

Monday afternoon we fork over a giant check, sign papers until our hands cramp, and walk away free to tear the damn thing down so we can start building.

I haven't looked at my house plans in two months. Just couldn't bear to look at what might be when I had no control over when we could start. I just might have to look at 'em tonight. A celebration of sorts.

I've already called my auction guy, my tree guy, my demo guy, and my contractor.

All this makes me positively giddy.

blissful exhaustion

170:365

Week 2 is going much like Week 1. I continue to be happy just to be at my place of employment. There is something special about that place. I am not what I would consider an overly spiritual person, but I'm telling you, that place is blessed.

Don't get me wrong. I've already met a few kooks, been warned about more, and can identify two people right off the bat that should probably be made available to industry. But by and large they are harmless souls who are drifting through life and just happened to get moored on this particular island. Every organization has 'em, and I'd probably be suspicious if this one didn't.

However.

I work for a highly intelligent, kind, gentle man who makes time for me and cares about my well-being. He reports to an equally wonderful person. The place is chock-full of people who stop by my office each day to say hello, ask how I'm doing and if I need anything, and reiterate that they are glad I'm there.

I have more and more projects thrown at me each day, along with a wealth of information. I'm using my brain, and my creativity, and people are listening. The history of the place is fascinating, rife with stories of three English monks struggling to adapt to America and humorous attempts at acclimating. A current of goodness - people with the very best intentions striving to make the world a better place - runs under it all.

I've been away from this kind of mission for over seven years now. I'm proud of the work I did over those seven years, and how I was able to contribute to those businesses. But it sure feels good to be back in a non-profit setting.

And it feels good to end every night like this. Tired to the point of collapse, and completely happy and content with what I'm doing each day.

girls

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I know sons and fathers have special relationships. I get that. But I think it's pretty hard to beat the daddy-daughter bond.

Sending much love out today to my awesome dads, and to the daddy of my daughter. I could not be more proud of the dads in my life. Fine men and incredible fathers, all.

orange you glad i brought fruit?

168:365

It was our turn to bring the post-game snack for softball today. After watching our kid (and all her friends) being handed total garbage after most games, we decided to do the old-fashioned thing and bring fresh fruit. It wasn't very popular, that's for sure. Still, I felt better about not polluting little bodies.

At what point did overly-processed unhealthy snacks become preferable to fresh fruit? I don't think it's a time issue, as it didn't take but 10 or 15 minutes to slice some oranges. Cost shouldn't be a factor, both because the huge bag of oranges we bought at Sam's surely isn't that much more than a boxed something with a 50-year shelf life and because should we shouldn't be haggling over money when our children's health is concerned.

The game was at 9 am. It was over around 10. Do they really need a sugar rush before noon?

I guess I'm just surprised at how many kids wrinkled up their noses at a big silver bowl of fresh orange slices. And disappointed. We should be doing a better job teaching our kids what's good and what isn't.

For the record, I'm judging myself more harshly than anyone. My own kid sat on the bench, looked at her friends take a pass on the fruit, and said, "See, Mom? I TOLD you no one would like oranges." Sigh.

M says it's because she's six. I say it's because we've relaxed our standards too many times and let her have Cheetos because "once in awhile won't kill her." I think once in awhile has occurred too often.

Oranges forever! Power to the citrus! Down with Cheetos!

(end rant)

bare

167:365

Well, I've certainly hit the ground running in my new job. It feels good to be a productive, contributing member of a team again. The days have been getting progressively more crazy, and I've loved every minute. Lots and lots of good work to be done, and my colleagues already seem to trust and respect my recommendations.

I walked (trotted, really) around campus so much today that my feet were revolting near the end. I clearly did not select appropriate footwear this morning. This afternoon I moved into my new office with fresh paint on the walls and 2-day-old carpet, and kicked off the adorable flats that are absolutely not up to the task of running around. I didn't even think about it...just reflex while I continued to work.

After awhile I sat back to stretch and realized that I'm already more comfortable and happier at work than I was in the last year at my old job. I'm connected, in the middle of things, and busy. I have been told I am already making a difference, and many people have said, "I am glad you are here." It is all just so good.

And the monks are unbelievably cool. They are amazing. It's not like working for my old boss, where I had to carefully calculate every statement, craft every message, play his BS political games. With the monks, and everyone else there for that matter, I've just been me. Bare feet and all.

have a seat (or...sit down and shut up!)

166:365

Tonight we attended a Cardinals game with seven girls (and their families) on Zoe's softball team. It was CYC Night at Busch Stadium, and with the lovely weather and M newly returned and several of our friends attending, we were looking forward to it.

M and I wound up seated near a couple we do not know very well. We've had such great interactions with all the other parents that I thought nothing of it and started a conversation, my usual method of finding new friends.

Big mistake. Big. Huge.

I had unwittingly engaged in conversation with The Judgmentals, a lovely husband and wife team who take great pride in determining (and then telling us to our faces) that we are sub-par parents because a.) we have only one child and b.) I work full time. At some point it was also referenced that my home is too small, especially the bedrooms, and therefore unsuitable for their aging parents. Thank goodness that they found a much larger home nearby, and that my home wasn't actually for sale.

I am learning more and more from the monks each day on searching for the good in everyone, and I try to follow M's wise counsel to just let it roll off my shoulders. Tonight I'm not doing a very good job at either.

I'm not angry so much as upset and disappointed that two people who barely know me, barely know us, can so easily cast dispersion on the good life we strive to lead. They don't know about our struggles with infertility (although they do now as I couldn't let the snide, rude comment about "people who are one-and-done" just pass by - although looking back I probably just came across as defensive, which admittedly I was). They don't know what I need to make me feel like a whole person, that I think I'm a far better mother to my child by being a working mom as I am simply not cut out to be an stay-at-home mom. I would be doing a great disservice to both myself and my family if I tried to be someone I am not. I can only be me, and try to be the best me possible.

I think each mother, each family, makes the best decision for themselves, and since we don't wear each other's shoes we shouldn't cast judgment. What is good for your family may not be good for mine, and vice versa. I'm also disappointed that after a year of supportive, positive interactions with so many other parents in Zoe's class, I found the flies in the ointment. I suppose nothing can be perfect, but it was darn good while it lasted. Now I'll just have to do that dance at events where I take care to not be seated near them and such. I have to make an effort now, and actually pay attention, whereas before I just talked to everyone and always had an enjoyable time.

So tonight I'm feeling rather sad and discouraged. It's amazing how much damage someone can do in a five minute conversation. I will be much more keenly aware of what I say to others moving forward, as I don't want to make anyone feel the way I'm feeling tonight.

belated

165:365

Forgot to post this last night - oops! I did shoot it yesterday though! May go in and fiddle with the settings later so it shows up on the right day. Couldn't do it this morning as my 6-year-old hogged the iPhone to chat with her friend. Seriously? This is starting already?!

reminder

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In a lovely day marred by yet another infuriating conversation with my so-called loan officer, and a frustrating call with American Express' non-English speaking rep wherein I tried to once again resolve an issue regarding the morons in my former employer's finance department...

These cheerful blooms serve to remind me that my troubles are only temporary, and that I have much in my life for which I can be thankful.

(Bankers and their ilk can go to hell, though. To a special section of hell that requires the completion of multiple forms, the provision of documents many times over, and idiotic hoop-jumping just to get a sip of ice water.) (But I'm not bitter or anything.)

first day

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"Listen carefully, my son, to the master's instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart."

Today was great! I don't think it could have gone any better, really. I am absolutely in love with the monks and the environment they have built. Peaceful, strong and, surprisingly, charming. It all feels like it fits me perfectly. I am content simply to be there.

Among a wealth of information, a long to-do list, and a huge project with tight deadlines (bring it!), I was given a stack of reading materials. The first I'm tackling is The Rule of St. Benedict in English, which is quite literally what the monks all live by. I've seen many of them toting around scruffy, dog-eared, well-worn (and revered) copies. Next up is a book on the founding of the abbey and the school, written by one of the three founding monks (the only one still living).

I returned from lunch today to find a lovely little vase of bright flowers from the alum who headed the search committee to find me. The card welcomed me to the family and wished me luck. I nearly cried on the spot. It was perched on the doorstep of the little cottage I'm working in until my permanent office is ready. They are cleaning it out, laying new carpet and painting, which is good since the room formerly housed Father Michael's birds. Yes, birds. Real live ones. Three parrots (one of whom is mean, or so I've been told) and a boatload of finches. These monks crack me up.

This is going to be really, really good for me, for my family, and I hope for my new employers.

droplets

162:365

Rain on the Corvette this morning. Lovely, relaxing trip home. On good tires! Southern Illinois farmland just beautiful.

I enjoyed the ride so much. We talked and laughed, but I also had a lot of time to quietly reflect on my journey that starts tomorrow. It's hard to explain how I feel about this job. Because it already feels like so much more than just a job.

Zoe also starts a new camp tomorrow, so that's adding a bit to my nerves tonight. Already double-checked times and drop-off/pick-up locations, and what she needs to bring (sack lunch, snack, beverage, water bottle). Flying a bit without my usual safety net here, as M flew out this evening on a business trip and my MIL is hopefully thoroughly enjoying a fantastic Alaskan cruise. I feel ready, though.

In an attempt to ensure I get some decent rest despite my worries, I took something to help me sleep. Then worried I won't get up in time and set three alarms. Yes, this is how I spend my time.

re-tired

161:365

M took the car out this morning for what was supposed to be a quick wash before we all hit the car show. I was waiting for him to return to the hotel when he called. "We have a problem."

By sheer happenstance, he noticed that the front passenger tire was horribly worn. Cords showing, no tread...the sort of things you generally don't want to see on any of your tires. Driver's side was fine, passenger side was all jacked up. "We can't make it home."

He headed back to pick me up while I used the map software on my iPhone to search for a Chevrolet dealer. Luck! There is one right around the corner from the hotel! And yes, they service Corvettes! But alas, no service hours on Saturday. "Good luck finding any dealer with service hours today," she said. My heart sank.

I went to the next closest, Carl Black Chevrolet on the east side of Nashville. Specialize in Corvettes, have Corvette tires, and open today. We made an appointment for 1:30, but she told me if we could get there any sooner to do so. With that, M returned.

We headed to the park where the car show was held so Dad could take a look. He confirmed M's suspicions and we headed down to Nashville. It was a tense 20-minute drive, at least for me.

We explained the issue to Ted, our service writer, who immediately started tracking down replacement tires. A few hours later, and a hefty ding on the Discover card, we had two new front tires and were good to go again.

I am feeling so unbelievably blessed today. Blessed that the hotel guy pulled the hose in early so M had to go off-site to find a car wash. Blessed that he had to jimmy the car around to get it in the right spot to wash once he got there. Blessed that all this meant that he left the steering wheel in a turn position instead of straight, which cocked the tire out and was the only way he spotted the wear. The damage was all on the inside of the tire, and with extremely wide tires you don't often see the inside tread lines. Blessed that Carl Black Chevrolet has Saturday service hours, and blessed that they were so easy to work with in solving our issue. Good people at Carl Black. If you live in Nashville and you need a car, go see 'em.

Ted the service writer, upon seeing the damaged tire off the car (the only way to truly see it all), predicted we'd have gotten as far as maybe Paducah, KY before having "a massive blow-out."

M leaves tomorrow night for a business trip, and I start my new job Monday. Stranded would have been highly inconvenient, not to mention costly (no dealer anywhere is open on a Sunday). Let's not even consider the safety ramifications.

So today's image is of our poor tire, which managed to hold together long enough. Yeah, those are the cords showing. And yeah, that's bare metal also showing. Tires are definitely not supposed to look like that.

Blessed, I tell ya.

Here's to a safe trip home.

P.S. In other news, we did make it back to the show in time to see Dad pick up a Top 3 award in the '66 Mod category. Yeah! Way to go, Dad! I'm so proud of you! xoxo

zzzzz

160:365

So much fun today, and lots of firsts. My favorite part was riding along with a pro driver as he tore through an autocross course. You don't get up to high speeds, but you start with rapid acceleration and then you whip through corners and slaloms barely hitting the brakes - it's a huge adrenaline rush! My driver was awesome, too. Can't remember his last name, but will find out and post a link here if he's got a site. For sure he's got a new fan!

Zoe competed in pedal car races and the hot wheels race. She was underage by more than a year on pedal cars, but that was no consolation to her when she lost in the first heat. Good to see our girl has competitive hackles that can definitely be raised! Her hot wheels races were much more productive. She won heat after heat, but ultimately got bounced out in the semi-finals. She was pretty pleased for having made it so far, though.

Saw tons and tons of gorgeous cars, and had a blast shooting them. Lots of good Instagram shots, too. Will try to post them but my battery is nearly drained (both phone and my body!) so it may be a day or two. Also, I might wait til I'm home and can use my computer, as the phone will send only 3-4 at a time.

This shot is from a total beater car, full of rust and looking like it ought to be up on blocks in someone's front yard. Under the hood, though? Yeah. Don't mess with it. It's what is known as a "sleeper," and it coyly says so right on its trunk. "Sleeperzzzzzzz." It's that whole don't judge a book by its cover thing, which is awesome.

Time to hit the hay, and dream of autocrossing...

shining bridge

159:365

In Goodlettsville TN tonight. And it is indeed good.

bloom

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I see so many beautiful things on my morning walks. It's a good time to think, or not think, depending on my mood. I hope my new job allows me the energy to continue them.

I was introduced to the advisory board this afternoon. Met lots of really nice people, and more monks. I am loving these monks, really. They have such rich personal stories, each unique. After the meeting M joined us, along with a few other spouses, for vespers and dinner with the monks in the Refectory. Wow.

So, lots of new experiences today. And more in store this weekend as we head to Tennessee for Chevelle-abration with Dad.

So happy right now!

links

157:365

So productive today that I had no time to write, or even think about writing. I accomplished many things ranging from a morning walk to providing the bank with yet more paperwork to finishing forms for my new job to polishing up a friend's resume to detailing the Corvette, and more.

Heading to my new workplace tomorrow, as I'm to be introduced to the board of advisors. I talked to the finance director today, getting answers to a few questions I had about my new-hire paperwork. Was astounded once again at the level of warmth and kindness displayed by my new colleagues. Either I've been working in a sort of communications Siberia, or this new place is really incredible. Perhaps both. We'll see.

Anyway, my great day turned into a great night with my Corvette club (we were raucous and rowdy resulting in our usual gales of laughter), capped off by finishing the invitations to my BIL and SIL-to-be's couples shower. So pleased with how they turned out, and happy to have my creative juices flowing again (see Siberia comment, above).

All in all, a fine day. And the sore throat is nearly gone! Yeah!

angles + clouds

156:365

bundt

155:365

Made a honey cake today. I had to buy a bundt pan to do it. It turned out really yummy, so I'll do it again. Which is good because I bought a bundt pan.

Still feeling like I was hit by a truck. The throat is no better, and now congestion has joined the party. Yay.

This is my last week "off" before I start my new job. I really hope I don't spend it in bed.

glorious

154:365

Tonight's sunset is glorious. We had a low-key day with my sore throat and M's bad back. With both my primary care doc and my ENT AWOL, I caved this morning and paid a visit to a local urgent care. The doc there looked at my throat and proclaimed it "angry." I left with a z-pack, industrial-strength cough syrup with codeine, and instructions to keep eating Advil like candy. So far none of it seems to be helping. I was pretty much sick of sleeping all day, though, so I got off my butt and made us a yummy veggie and tofu stir fry for dinner. The house smells awesome now (fresh ginger!), and we are all fed and happy. Because it's such a beautiful night, Zo and I convinced M to take us to the Custard Station for dessert. I'm so glad we went, not just because of the fresh air and the turtle concrete, but because we got to see this amazing, beautiful, glorious sunset.

Sore throat be damned. Life is good.

empty

153:365

This is me today. Empty. Sick and tired, and feeling like I must have gargled with razor blades the last three nights. (And before you ask, or command as M did, my primary care wasn't in today and my EMT is on vacation until June 18. So that's that.)

I just need some sleep. And tea with honey. Or fudgecicles. Many, many fudgecicles.