Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Bet my colon is prettier than Katie Couric's

Disclaimer: the timing of this post is all off, because I wrote it two nights ago but didn't post until this morning. Why? Because I didn't want to field a bunch of calls. Hopefully by the time you read this I'll either be all scoped up, or post-scope and feelin' fine. Anyway, I'll post an update here as soon as I don't feel loopy anymore and can ensure that my spelling and grammar won't embarrass me, which, ironically, is more worrisome to me than what the doc might find. Must be all that training from The World's Finest School of Journalism.

Anyway, so when you read "Wednesday" in that first sentence below, yes, it's this Wednesday. Today. I'm all cleaned out (squeaky clean, you might say) and ready to go. I'm thinking my intestinal issues must be pretty bad if after all that prep work that people warned me was so awful I thought, "Hunh, not a bad way to spend an evening..." See you on the flip side.
Not to get everyone all crazy worried or anything, but I just wanted to let ya'all know that I'm having a colonoscopy Wednesday. Nothing doc thinks I just don't eat enough fiber, but it's good to check things out just to be sure. Yes, I've had some issues. No, I don't want to discuss, in detail or in general terms, with anyone, what they are. So don't ask. Don't call. Don't e-mail. Don't instant message. And don't try gettin' any info from the parentals, either, because they know about as much as I'm writin' here. M is strictly barred from discussing my intestinal issues with anyone but me and my doctor, so he's not available either. If you try, I'll get all HIPAA on your butt.

Blood workup came back just fine, so don't start thinkin' the worst or anything. No biggie...probably just a prescription for more broccoli. And Gas-X, because apparently when you go from eating next to no fiber to massive amounts of fiber, your intestines rebel with copious quantities of foul gaseous outbursts.

Did you know you're supposed to eat 25-35 grams of fiber every day? Yeah, me either. But you are, and it's not necessarily as hard as it sounds, although to someone eating no fiber it sounds pretty much like a truckload o' beans. So I've been chowing on Raisin Bran, broccoli, cauliflower, and yes, beans. Chili and black bean soup are my new best friends.

The conversation with the doc went something like this:
Doc: You should eat a lot of fiber. 25-35 grams a day. How much fiber do you eat?
Me: Ummmm. I dunno.
Doc: Okay, well, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Me: {hangs head in shame} Froot Loops.
Doc: No fiber in Froot Loops. Eat Raisin Bran. Broccoli. Beans. When you are just starting to increase your fiber intake, you'll experience gas. A lot of foods with high fiber cause gas.
Me: {hopefully} Oooooo, like White Castle?!
Doc: No, no. White Castle is not a good source of fiber.
Me: You gotta admit, it causes gas.
M: Doc, you got a live one on your hands.

So, I've been Fiber Girl for the past couple of weeks. Have I noticed a difference? Some. Lot more tootin' goin' on, that's for sure. I learned awhile back from my friend Melsy that the best thing to do when you're experiencing gas is to stand next to old people and let them take the blame for it. Old people toot a lot, and they don't care who knows it, so I been trying to hang with the geezers.

I'm to have my colonoscopy done at SCOPES, the name of which would be pretty hilarious if I weren't the one going in for it. At this point, it makes me just roll my eyes and curse the damn marketing puke who came up with it. I think it stands for South County Out-Patient Endoscopy Services or something like that.

I get to do my "prep work" starting tomorrow afternoon. They want everything all cleaned out so they can get a good look-see. I shopped after work for my all-liquid meals tomorrow: beef and chicken broth, lemon and lime Jell-o, white grape juice. Sounds delish, doesn't it? (Many thanks to Mom and Dad Z for providing my "last meal" tonight from Pasta House Pronto...can't think of a better way to go out than with Pasta House salad and Rigatoni Roma.) Then I went to Walgreen's to drop off my prescription. I have to mix it with Gatorade tomorrow and start chugging after I get home from work. I've got mounds of reading material stacked next to the toilet because that's apparently where I'll be spending my evening.

I also got to pick up my other "materials" needed. Like it's not embarrassing enough to go in for a stupid colonoscopy, you have to go through the indignity of shopping for, then purchasing, Dulcolax and an enema at the same time. Felt like I was walking around with a sign around my neck, "Hey, look at me...I'm gettin' ready for a colonoscopy!" I shot daggers at the stock boy, "Don't even think about asking me if you can help me find something." So I dropped off the script and found my two items and headed for the checkout.

Just my luck, I'm stuck behind two old people (and I didn't even need to toot) who had decided to stock up on Hallmark cards, tape and Arm & Hammer cleaner. I waited...and waited...and waited...and the line behind me grew and grew, and the colonoscopy sign around my neck grew to a billboard over my head. The cashier finally got finished ringing up the items when Grandma up there pulled out a stack of coupons. "For the love of Pete, lady, you're gonna make me stand here another five minutes with my laxative and my enema so you can save 27 cents?!" After some confusion with the tape (it's two for 80 cents, which makes them 40 cents a piece, Einstein), she finally got done and shuffled off. Unfortunately, Grandpa didn't go with her. Instead, he set down his stack of Hallmark cards and other assorted sundries. My colonoscopy billboard grew to a flashing Vegas sign.

When the cashier in cosmetics announced, "I am open here if anyone would like to check out" I broke out in a dead sprint. I think I took out an endcap and a small child along the way, but at that point I just wanted to get out of there.

So. That's what's going on with me. M is still working on the display. Zozo is still not drinking from a sippy cup. And I get 8x10 glossies of my colon in just a day and a half.


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