aarrgghh

Today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day, which raises a ton of questions in my mind, at least.

1. Who determines that it's National TLAP Day? Is there a National Federation of Pirates? United Pirate Workers of America? National Association for the Advancement of Pirates? Did they actually lobby the federal government for a National TLAP Day? And win?
2. What is the need for a National TLAP Day? Are pirates misunderstood? Under-represented? Discriminated against? I'm pretty sure I haven't seen "No Pirates Allowed!" signs anywhere I've been recently, even on the coast where, I would assume, pirates would be far more prevalent than here in the midwest.
3. When was it determined that September 19 would be National TLAP Day? If this is a tradition stemming back from the days of actual piracy (and I use that term in the old definition of the swashbuckling craggy old guys with peg legs and hooks for hands and eyepatches and parrots on their shoulders) then, okay, I can see that. But if this is some new-fangled thing, I'm thinking it's a bit too late. There are no old-school pirates around to enjoy it, after all. And the new definition of "piracy" doesn't really lend itself to celebration. By that meaning, talking like a pirate would include, "Dude, score me your copy of Microsoft Office so I don't have to shell out 600 smackers for it."

Given the appearance of old-school pirates, it's no wonder that career wasn't too popular. Can you imagine the job description?

Are you a people-person? No? Well, we've got a job for you! Wanted: full-time pirate. Salary includes minimum wage plus commission. Commission is based on whatever you can pillage and steal. Perks: your own ship, a mutinous crew, the joy of the open sea. Must be willing to relocate and possibly lose major and/or minor appendanges. Excellent night-vision a plus, and good communication skills required. Applicants will be tested for personality, character, and ability to swashbuckle. Apply on-line, stop by one of our many locations, or call Bill at 800.555.HOOK.

In celebration of National Talk Like a Pirate Day, I'll leave you with my two favorite pirate jokes. Okay, I have only two pirate jokes total, and one of them I just picked up off the radio this morning, but hey, I figure two pirate jokes is probably two more than most people have. Bear in mind that hearing them in person is way better than reading them here. It's the sound effects, you know.

First Pirate Joke:
Why couldn't the little pirate get into the movie?
It was rated aaarrrrrrrrrgggghhh.

Second Pirate Joke: (warning, this one is a bit, shall we say, below-board)
So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his hoo-ha (for lack of a better term...this is a family-friendly blog, you know). He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it to him, and waits a few minutes before saying, "Okay, I can't stand it anymore. Why on earth do you have a steering wheel on your hoo-ha?" The pirate replies, "Aaarrrggghhh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Yeah, okay, so that one's pretty bad, but still, it cracks me up. I heard it from my old boss back in my not-for-profit days, and it made the rounds so much that if anyone said, "Aaarrrggghhh" there was a chorus from the office staff of, "It's drivin' me nuts!"

Okay, mateys, off you go. Ahoy!