sanctuary

184:365

Totally spazzing about tomorrow's demolition. Too many emotions running too high. I have so much good stuff going on that it's nearly too much to handle. I keep questioning and second guessing.

What am I missing?

What have I forgotten?

What if, after all the planning and thinking and revising...what if we totally botched something up on the plans?

What if I forget to get the plates renewed on the car, send in the final payment on one of Zoe's camps, do something I promised to someone?

Every once in awhile I get keyed up, fighting overload and struggling to maintain some semblance of normalcy in what, for us, is a pretty abnormal time. I liken it to hanging off a cliff by my fingertips, waiting for my grip to loosen despite my best efforts to hold on.

Tomorrow I will watch my house be bulldozed into the ground. My home, my haven, my sanctuary. I will be able to add "homeless" to the list of feelings. Yes, we have a place to stay, but it's not ours. We didn't choose it, create it, build it, make it ours. It's a temporary stop on the way to something better (hopefully). We remain half packed - or more - and are practically crawling the walls here. It is most definitely not our home, despite our best efforts to make it feel like such.

So I'm feeling unsettled. I did catch a few minutes of calm today, when we went into the church on campus to photograph the new headmaster. I wandered away from the group for a moment and took in the architecture that takes my breath away. I observed a few solitary people praying at the various altars. And I felt peace.

So my sanctuary will just have to be somewhere other than home for awhile. Thank goodness I can see it out my office window and reach it in a three minute walk. This job comes with perks I didn't even foresee.