Monday, May 19, 2014

I need a costume

I just realized that by the time I get home tonight I will most likely be in no shape to write or post anything here. I have a business meeting at 7 p.m. with the King of All Douchebags, and it promises to get ugly. Thankfully there will be others there, most of them in my corner, but still. It's the whole idea of having to deal with someone's fragile, yet enormous, ego that tanks my day.

I'm thinking that I may have to strike a pose before I go in there. I'm not kidding. I read an article awhile back about how much posture can play a role in how you're feeling in any given situation. The author recommended that women strike a "power pose" for five minutes before going into high-pressure situations. Mine is the Wonder Woman pose: hands on hips, chin held high, and feet apart in an aggressive, "BRING IT" stance. It would help if I had those fancy golden cuffs but I do okay without them. I just harken back to my childhood days when I wore Wonder Woman Underoos and a Wonder Woman swimsuit and carried a Wonder Woman lunchbox and I didn't give a shit what anyone else thought.

The girls of today need a Wonder Woman, I think. From what I can tell, all they've got are big-eyed, makeup laden drama queens. I mean, the sisters from Frozen are pretty good, but one has severe self-confidence issues and the other is a bit rash. And their eyes are freakin' enormous. Completely unrealistic. Lynda Carter, now, SHE'S realistic. An achievable Amazonian babe who doesn't take shit from anyone. Go ahead and question those high waisted blue spangly grandma panties she sports and she'll knock your lights out. Girlfriend also has hips, which make her a favorite in my book.

So I will try to channel my inner Wonder Woman during my meeting tonight, and if that fails I will go home and cry to M and then drink heavily for awhile.* I will use my invisible golden cuffs to stop verbal bullets, my tiara to knock him unconscious when he starts talking too much, and my golden lasso of truth to make him stop fudging numbers.

*Kidding. **Maybe.


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