Thursday, August 05, 2010

Finally, a thorough explanation

Everyone should read this phenomenal article on infertility. Everyone. And anyone who has ever said, "Just relax and it will happen" should have it printed and stapled to their forehead.

People have asked me why we didn't tell anyone we were struggling with infertility. This article clears that right up, and explains so much more. This is one of the few articles on infertility I've read that addresses the emotional upheaval that couples experience. The lengths they'll go through to hide the pain while trying to conceive.

My therapist during our two years' journey told me, after I learned I was finally pregnant, "It (the pain) will always be with you. You will carry it in your heart the rest of your life, and you will never forget it. And that's okay." I am so thankful she told me that, because then I was prepared for it, and I accept it. She was right. It is there, every single day and every single night. It is part of who I am today, and I find comfort in knowing that there are hundreds of thousands of women on paths parallel to mine. I send them love and support and hope.

I am one of the few volunteers who will speak out about this. And I understand perfectly why there are many more who won't/can't. It's so intensely personal, and it feels like such a personal failure. During those long two years, I felt like I was failing myself and my family and, worst of all, my husband. That's a pretty weighty guilt to carry around, along with the stress of medical appointments/tests/treatments and the almost-physical need I felt to have a child.

Our beautiful daughter's fifth birthday is coming up. I still can't believe I have a child, that I was one of the lucky ones. I thank God every day for the gift that is Zoe Grace. And my heart breaks for those who are still trying, and for those who have given up.


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