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363:365

Tough day today, but with a sweet ending.

I went to visit my Gran in the nursing home. It just about kills me every time we go, but today was especially hard. I am still reeling. Given that she most likely doesn't remember that we visited, I wonder if it's worth the anguish (on my part) to continue visiting. Selfishly, I don't want to remember her this way. Selfishly, I don't want to have more episodes of sobbing and/or lashing out at M and Zoe because I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I simply can't process them rationally. Selfishly, I don't want to be reminded that dementia/Alzheimer's is hereditary.

She struggled to find words today, and she never used our names.

I am terrified. And so deeply saddened that I'm just not sure how to "get over" it and move on. Time, maybe. Hopefully. A good night's sleep will most likely help, along with getting back to work.

Ironic, isn't it, that I'm hoping to forget the fear of forgetting?

This may take a day or two. Or maybe more.

I was able to put that part aside for a bit tonight by meeting my niece Olivia for the first time. Her coos and grunts and smiles melted it all away. I will get to spend more time with her tomorrow, too, and I know she will help me heal. Babies are amazing that way.