Does AT&T's coverage extend to hell?

At mass Saturday night, we had the treat of listening to another homily by the new associate pastor of our parish. I heard the guy for the first time a few weeks ago and was not impressed. I don't agree with his views on a lot of things. Well, I don't agree with the Church's views on a lot of things but for the most part I can skate by with a live-and-let-live attitude while gravitating toward the more progressive priests and nuns. Yes, there are a few. There aren't many, but they give me hope for the Church.

The new associate pastor is most definitely not one of those progressive priests. He completely pissed me off with the first homily I heard from him, but, you know, I'm a pretty forgiving person ('cause that's what Jesus would do) and I thought I'd give him another shot.

Saturday, though, he did me in. I'm finished with this guy. Done. Two homilies and out.

We were treated to a 10-minute harangue about how sinful we are. Yes, I get that we are sinners. We are all sinners. No one is perfect. It's part of being human. Our imperfections, I think, make us unique and beautiful and perfectly human. The grace comes through being able to live with and love each other despite our imperfections. What does faith mean if there is no test? What would it mean to be faithful if it was really just that easy? If we were all perfect, would we even need a church? Be careful what you wish for.

The associate pastor stood up there and lectured us. He used the guise of a "story" to let us know that we are all horrible people for living our lives the best we can in this modern day and age. He looked over a crowd of people who are obviously committed enough to their faith to come to church on a Saturday afternoon at 5, and told us that wasn't good enough. (Well, yeah, I mean, just going to church every week does not absolve one of one's sins, but it's at least an effort to maintain contact with one's faith.) (Although I do think that Jim Winkler might have hit the nail on the head when he admitted that he goes to church weekly "just in case it counts.")

We were berated for having iPhones and Blackberries, for having sports cars, and for working hard. We were told that we don't have dinner together as a family enough (which pissed me off because yeah, asshole, we do have dinner together as a family all the time...but how would you know that since you're new to our parish and haven't bothered to meet me - or anyone else - before casting dispersions). We were told that we are horrible parents who don't spend enough time with our children. The list goes on, but I'm pretty sure he took out every single one of us in the pews through his various accusations.

Not to brag, but my parish kicks ass. My parish is like straight out of Mayberry or something. People have been going to that church for decades, contributing time and money and faith and energy. M's grandmother and mother have been around from the beginning. M and his brother went to school there, and there isn't a weekend that goes by without him pointing out and/or greeting the parents of some kid he went to school with. People are just overwhelmingly nice and friendly. Social events are full of love and laughter. The community pulls together time and time again to give food for the poor, backpacks full of school supplies for underprivileged children, shelter for the homeless. We not only always hit our fundraising goals, we blow them away. Resources abound with bible study groups, support groups, singles mixers, recovery from divorce, etc. This is a solid, prayerful community full of good people.

Only, according to the new guy, we're all a bunch of soulless f*cks who neglect our children and our God to stand in line for an iPhone/sports car/whatever.

So, yeah, I guess I'm going to hell because I have an iPhone and, on the weekends, I give up my '99 Honda Accord for a spin in my new Corvette (without my child, with whom I just spent an entire day swimming at the Lodge with all her school friends, followed by a nice family dinner). Where do I find an AT&T cellphone coverage map for Hell? I gotta stick with AT&T 'cause I ain't givin' up the iPhone.

(Those of you who know me well know that I tend to be, shall we say, passionate about things. I can get fired up pretty easily. Since I know this about myself, I reserved judgement - even after the second homily - until I could use my FIL as a sounding board. He can be a pretty objective guy, and shrewd. Saturday night, when we were all sitting down to our, ahem, family dinner, I mentioned the associate pastor. My FILs eyes went wide and he shook his head slowly, "Man, that guy's gotta lighten up!" I rest my case.)